"Love"

Tonight I was looking through photo albums in search of photos of my mom and I. You see, I'm making her an album as a gift. Well, in searching.. I found an album full of myself and THE ex (that is how we, I.. will label him in such postings I suppose.. hmm..). While flipping through the pages of old, happy memories.. a true feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. And it hit me. Like dropping the last Oreo cookie out of the package in the dirt after you've already licked it.... (take it in).... I was really in love. Attempting to grasp that concept now is easily the most difficult thing I've ever attempted thinking about. Really. Head over heels, to the moon and back, start a riot in my heart, unlike any song, poem, or movie. L-O-V-E. Sad. Pathetic story now. It drives me crazy to know that I allowed myself to become another one of those eye rolling statistics. To become "that girl". But, I was... in fact.. really, really..... happy. So much so that my finger had even been sized for the engagement ring. Yes. I of all people said it. engagement ring. Happy.. I was. And that, well I suppose I don't regret.. I'm 21 years old. I have always questioned commitment and love. Believing it has died off with earlier generations as I watch the world become even more lazy not only in work at jobs and self care, but also in personal relationships with others as well. People just don't fix things when they're broken anymore. They believe something new is always better and will bring them more happiness. Trust? Faithfulness? Honesty? Respect? Nah. Not important right? Wrong. Knowing that for once I REALLLLYYYY let someone break me down to my core and get inside sickens me. I should have known better, but I allowed myself to be completely naive and fall for this "love" in every way imaginable. Why? Because deep down we all want to feel it at some point. Believe that we could be the exception. Be good enough. That "oh you love me? unconditionally and forever, you say? That feels incredible. Woah.. what a strange emotion I've never felt before.. did I just cry? ... at THAT moment..? I love you too? *scared to death face*". Vulnerable. Well there, I've felt it. It's done and over with. He didn't really feel it as I did because he consistently broke his word and commitment, but I truly can say I was in love. A good scratch off the bucket list. Although now questioning why the hell I put it on there because in the end it has truly been the most painful thing I have ever experienced and I don't ever want to feel that way again. We won't go into the long, personal details, but dear me I question the existence of a conscience in some people. I have never been a fan of hurting people. I don't see how some people can go day to day carelessly doing so like it's nothing completely selfish. Makes me sick to my stomach. Literally. However, I got exactly what I wished for. That true love feeling. Now, been there done that. On to the next one. By "next one", I DO NOT mean significant other. Sky diving :) mmmm yes. That is the next event to be scratched off the infamous bucket list. I'll keep you posted with the blah blah blah known as my thoughts. -Kate Gill