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Thursday, October 11, 2012

What's a Girl to do?

Because you're in my heart
You are always on my mind
All the love I've found in you
I thought that I would never find

So much time that we have spent
Who would have thought we'd end up here?
That you'd be scaling every wall..
That you'd be conquering every fear?

Cold hearted and alone
That's where I sat myself within
Blanketing your true comfort
Blind, because I was scared of where I'd been

To let you in or not?
To chance losing my best friend?
Were the reoccurring thoughts
The battles seeming without end

But through time you won me over
I spent the summer on cloud nine
And this time you weren't leaving
Without you finally becoming mine

And now here we are together
And everyday feels like a dream
Those dreams are titled as forever
For I am entrapped within your scheme

I said I wasn't supposed to love you
For it is evil and is not real
But those were words ignorantly spoken
Before my heart you surely proved to steal

-me

Monday, October 1, 2012

Lets talk about the nonsense that isn't nonsense

Love.
I tried my best to do away with it completely.
But.
He just wouldn't let me.

Needless to say, I had the most incredible and eventful summer of my life.
And it turned out to be the beginning of something I never saw coming.
The beginning of forever? Well I don't know. I'm still quite frightened by those terms, but definitely the beginning of some time.
My best friend is one incredible man.
As scared as I've been, he has put me at ease.
And.. Slowly but surely I "fell for" my very best friend.

And as for now, I am slowly but surely putting away the anger that arose in allowing myself to feel again. To let in again. To allow someone to scale the walls I built so high and hold me close whispering words I've always been afraid to believe again.
I don't know what's to become of this, but as much as I dislike being wrong.. I hope he is proving me wrong with everyday we face together.
I've put a lot on the line. And it has to work. Why? Because he is my best friend. And I can't lose that.
Everyday he's making me better. I cherish and adore him more than most things in this life. I cannot thank God enough for blessing me with as much as He has. I am forever grateful.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Disappointed in Myself

It's the most beautiful things I'm afraid of..
Like having someone in my life "forever".
Now the thunder rolls outside my window
And I know that we won't be together.

I can hear the rain beating down on my roof
And trickle down by my window with the faint sound of chime.
A tear rolls down my right cheek
Because I know that we've ran out of time.

In opposite directions we'll go alone on our own paths
I'll cry when I reach out and you're not there.
A storm is a beautiful thing, but when it passes...
Will you still be there for me to care?

What have I done?
Afraid to love and afraid to lose.
Scared of what I'm feeling
And now I don't even get to choose.

The sky is angry
As my heart cries.
I couldn't possibly prepare myself.
This will be the worst of goodbyes.

Complicated..
Why must life be?
My brain and my heart argue
With what stands right here in front of me.

Stubborn they are
Don't they know you'll soon be gone?
You'll be much better off.
A new place for you to forget and to move on.

I miss you now and I'll miss you then;
I know that we will both be fine.
Here, is nothing to end.
At least for the summer, it was almost like you were mine.

I know it's going to be hard,
But I'll be happy for you then.
You'll soon get what you deserve
And I'll smile because you're my best friend..

-Kate Gill

Thursday, July 12, 2012

While you were sleeping.

I'm scared to touch you because I may feel something.. more than just your skin.
I've made promises to myself.. Including: not to let you in.
You know that line, I play for keeps is seeming to hold true.
I chose the game, but it played me because my heart has lost to you.
I'm afraid and too afraid to show it because you're my best friend.
But if truth be told and you asked me, This summer I don't want to end.
Letting you go, saying goodbye.. Is already choking me.
I'll put up blinds as my heart cries.. Hiding so you can't see.
At night I think and lie awake as thoughts of you fill in my head.
The sweetest words and compliments have been the ones that you have said.
All the care and all the kindness are things I never knew.
Genuine and all sincere, but will it prove always to hold true?
My best friend forever or just an ex later, when my friend you've always been?
I flag the feelings. Forcing them down, for with them I can't win.
If they arose, I'd surely lose you and that I cannot handle.
Because we have a bond that to me is special, and it's worth so much more than just a summer scandal.

-Kate Gill

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The First Sign

Let's be honest..
I've found myself scared of how I might feel when you leave.
Let's be honest..
I've become a bit addicted to the way that you've touched me.

I've become attached
To your fingers in my hair,
To your kisses on my forehead,
To the sincere way that you care.

You're my best friend.
Please don't go away.
I know I act chill when I leave,
But I always want to stay.

Let's be honest..
I'm fighting this hard.
I may be the joker,
But you hold the card.

Let's be honest..
I'm scared to be alone.
I front like I'm tough.
Put you in the friend zone.

I cringe at the future.
The thought makes me sick.
I wish to stay right where I am,
But the time is passing quick.

To think that I'll be on my own..
And question what will I do?
Makes me wonder what would happen..
If I chose to cling to you?

Let's be honest..
I'm clawing feelings like a tiger.
Scared that if I pounce I just might bleed.
So to them I still remain a fighter.

Let's be honest..
The reason I tell you not to fall for me is because I fell for you..
And the reason I say that "love" is a lie is because I'm scared that I'll love you..

-Kate Gill

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Don't Fall in Love with Her

She had lights in her eyes
Even in the darkest of times
Hates goodbyes
And being in public when she cries

She's trouble indeed
She doesn't follow, she leads
Wild heart freed
And eyes you can't read

Don't fall in love with her

It's not hard to make her smile
She'll never walk down the aisle
In her shoes you couldn't walk a mile
But your time she'll make worth while

She isn't a snake
Not by any means fake
But a lie she won't take
She won't accept heartbreak

Don't fall in love with her

She wears her heart on her sleeve
In "love" she doesn't believe
Her hand you won't achieve
But she's a friend that won't leave

Stubborn as a rock
Heart down on lock
"love" she likes to mock
And feelings she will block

So don't fall in love with her

Flawed like no other and perfectly alone
But she'll miss you when your gone
And the smell of your cologne
You've been the best friend she's ever known
She'll always treasure your friendship and the kindness that you've shown

But don't fall in love with her

-Kate Gill

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Find Happiness Within

It's not always easy,
This life we live
Sometimes hard to forget the pain
But we must choose to forgive
Forgive the ones that made you victim
Forgive yourself too
Forget the past that broke you down
But remember the strength it built pushing through
Heart on the sleeve
Broken into parts
A puzzle piece of a mess
Pushing away before anything starts
Wearing a smile with confidence
And I'll let no one in
It'd be easier for you to understand
If you had felt where I had been
So judge not my cold decisions
Sitting on walls I've built so high
It might be a little different
Had I not heard lie after lie
I'd rather live alone
Than choose to "love" in fear
A beautiful lie indeed
But not one I wish again to hear
Happiness is what I'm feeling
Old is gone and new locked out
Being so content with just myself
Is what living is all about
So learn it now before it's later
You don't always need someone new
Please stop searching and waiting around.
When the key to happiness is NOT in someone else here, but in God and in YOU!

-Kate Gill

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Mama knows best

I think if I were ever going to attempt to unfreeze this heart so cold,
it would be for a country man.
A loyal son of a gun.
Knows how to shoot and have some fun.
Grabs me by the hand, takes me down to the river.
Ain't afraid to say yes sir no ma'am, you see that girl: I'm with her.
Kind, polite manner.
Shows anger only when he needs.
Will help you cross the street with an arm and a smile.
Always down for good deeds.
Takes his hat off when in.
Leaves his boots at the door.
Is faithful to you.
Will never leave you for an easy whore.
Opens the door for you to step in and out.
Never gets scared or pathetically runs away in doubt.
You see all boys are the same,
But all men are not.
Make sure when you're choosin'
Country strong is what you got.

Monday, May 21, 2012

You can say I'm scared

They reach for my hand
But I just flash them a smile
I don't mean to always reject
They know not I've been hurting all the while
Walls and walls
Steady as they go
Up and higher
Where does it end? Couldn't possibly know..
The scars I now wear
Have me under the covers
I fear the worst
No more monsters or lovers
They call me bitter
They call me crazed
But I've been abandoned one too many times
And used in so many ways
I am clenched to my loneliness with such contentment it's sad
Because I cringe at "commitment" like it's just the recent fad
I have been called weak
Judged by the tears I have cried
But I am stronger than you know
Built up by every promise broken and every word lied
A relationship with self
And a relationship with Him
Is a bond that when together can be trusted
Can grow stronger without His love smoldering dim
Honesty and respect:
An issue known today
This world is lazy. Leaving's easy
Makes it simple to stay away
A lost cause I may be
I'm a storm in clear weather
Or the most difficult challenge
But for now I'm screaming never

-Kate Gill

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Just a lesson learned

Written May 3, 2012
I still remember you coming home to me all those nights
I still remember you were my best friend
But now I can close my eyes and turn out the lights
Because now you're far from who we all knew then
The funny thing about pictures is
The people in them change
Now you're just a memory in an album
And I've finally turned the page
It's not heartbreaking that we're apart
Just that you're not the same
The pleasure you took in making me smile
Turned out to be just a game
That wonderful person we all thought we knew
Has disappeared and gone
As sad as it is to think about
It's always darkest before the dawn
My very best friend turned out to be a phony
And without a care in the world
Left me completely stranded
To be lonely
But little do you know
Every time you try to cut me down I'm winning
Brings me up that much higher
And now I can't stop grinning
I thought I lost it all when I lost you
But now I see I'm only better
Because in the end you were all wrong
I knew it from the moment I met her
You put on quite the act I will admit
You really had everyone fooled
Had us believing every lie you said
How can it feel good to be so cruel?
But you're crazy for toying around with my heart
Because I truly loved you at your worst
You won't be the last person I love
Even if I was mistaken to make you my first
I hope you can look back one day
And appreciate me even though you let me fall
I hope then I bring a smile and a tear to your face
Because at one point we really did have it all..

-Kate Gill

Here's to me!

Written April 25, 2012
She was lonely
Aching, hurting
Broken down. Like never before.
Crying only
Praying for rescue
You feel like a man? Pushing her down to the floor?
Well now..
Here's to me!
Pour me a cold one
Make it a strong one on the rocks
Here's to you!
A lonely evening
Make it a long one on the docks
I hope every minute was worth it
Using other girls to shoot your gun
Falling into every lie you said
Have fun the rest of your life with just your hand
Changes are showing
She's finally smiling
Picked herself up
Moving on and forgetting
Learning and growing
Because she's strong enough
Now
Here's to me!
Pour me a cold one
Make it a strong one on the rocks
Here's to you!
A lonely evening
Make it a long one on the docks
I won't be that girl at the end of the night
Being used and so abused
Yeah you heard it right
I said what I meant
I'll no longer be accused
I'm gone.
Here's to me!
Pour me a cold one
Make it a strong one on the rocks
Here's to you!
A lonely evening
Make it a long one on the docks
I hope every minute was worth it
Using other girls to shoot your gun
Falling into every lie you said
Have fun the rest of your life with just your hand
Yeah here's to me man!

-Kate Gill

Want a change, be the change.

Written April 25, 2012
Well tell me girl..
How does it feel to be a fool?
Mind games set in..
You both played me and he's played you
Pity for you?
No, I have none
Better grab what you have left
From the boy not yet a man, you should run
Run far. Run fast.
Show the world a better change.
I know you feel so empty
In a world so cold, a world so strange.
Time is nothing
Don't be foolish
It's not to late to set free
Learn to be true
Become what's honest
No better day to begin to be..
Keep on walkin'. Don't look back.
The patience had is now no more.
Close your mouth like your mind.
Leave your excuses at the door.
We've all had a turn to pull the evil chain
Broken down for what?
No sense in fighting over lies
Where is the worth in a boy who's caused no trust and too much pain?
Run far. Run fast.
Show the world a better change.
I know you feel so empty
In a world so cold, a world so strange.
Time is nothing
Don't be foolish
It's not to late to set free
Learn to be true
Become what's honest
No better day to begin to be..
He has received just what he wanted
Two girls at once right at his feet
Now not so sweet as was expected
That I can surely guarantee
Different girl every weekend only goes so far
Deserving to be lonely
Yes, but constant downing isn't right
This time is best for motivation to discover who you are
Time is nothing
Don't be foolish
It's not to late to set free
Learn to be true
Become what's honest
No better day to begin to be..

-Kate Gill

I don't wanna be scared

Written April 2, 2012
I don't wanna be scared
Take it all away
Tell me no worries
Say it'll all be okay
Lets run so far
Just grab my heart
Run far from the bullshit
Complete with a brand new start
Please don't hurt me again
Don't put other girls before me
When life hits you hard
The last thing we need is for you to ignore me
I want to feel needed
Or at least a bit wanted
I won't be kicked down
Or ever by her again be taunted
I refuse to be thrown
Under the bus
Just make me your only girl
And there will be no fuss
I'm a priority
Not an option
Any girl like that again
Promise baby, better think with caution
I'm number one
Not number two or three
So you have a lot to show
Because it's no more her or me
I won't settle for that
I deserve to be treated right
At least with some respect
I won't stick around for girls or about them to fight
I'm learning to put myself ahead
Please place yourself in my shoes
I'm not going to be stepped on this time
Baby you have to choose
I won't handle disrespect
I won't handle bull
I won't go for round two
Because this time I won't be looked at as a fool
It's my heart on the line
I can't handle it shattered
Make me feel more important
Not like someone else really mattered
I don't wanna be scared
Show me I have nothing to fear
Be only for me
Show me where you wanna be is here

- Kate Gill

Fear fades in you

Written April 2, 2012
You're slowly fixing what you've broken
Mending wounds, replacing words that should not have been spoken
Putting that smile back upon my face
All frowns and tears your hands now erase
Where'd you go?
I wish I knew
You will never understand the extent of pain you put me through
But you're here now
And I can't explain this feeling
So much warmth and emotion
Time is certainly revealing
You take me there when you take my hand
It's hitting me now how much I missed my best friend
When I say I'm happy..
It's good to know I mean it
It's finally real
About time my life has seen it
It's a gradual change
Everyday it's getting better
You don't know how good it feels
I hope it stays this way forever
That stage of down I thought i'd never get out
Wasn't myself, my head was filled with so much ache and doubt
It's all a process
A cruel process of life indeed
Overcoming obstacles
To show and prove each other we need
It's okay to fall sometimes
We eventually pick each other up
Even the best hit the ground
Have their worst, but haven't sunk
Don't let me drown
Stay here and hold true
I don't want to slip down again
I think it's obvious I need you
Something about the look in your eyes
Let's me know to stay at ease
Scared to death, but still faith clinging
No more running please
I'm not asking for serious needs
Just please keep on proving
Show me more..
Let me trust you're not moving
The mending continues
I'm getting better everyday
I thank you for that
One question: please stay?

- Kate Gill

To the moon wasn't far enough

Written March 1, 2012
To the moon is mighty far away
But it wasn't long enough to match the length you said you'd stay
And back again is even farther
Matched how far that you did run when times showed they had gotten harder

Faith is lost and hope is gone
We didn't achieve the lasting love we thought we'd won
You gave up and left me stranded all alone
No explanations, sitting by the phone

I fell to my knees and slowly to my face
Waiting for you my heart began to race
But you never came, you ran away
After a year of promising with me you'd always stay

So many lies you fed to my head
When all along your plan was to leave instead
You thought with your junk more than your brain
And after that you were never the same

You've gone back to the past because with it you're not finished
Slinking around, our relationship diminished
You can trust no one is what I've learned
Always guard your heart, so you don't get burned

I've grown cold and extremely bitter
For I should have known that you too would be a quitter
You're no different from the rest
And there's no such thing as finding the best

Young and naive I let myself go
Now here I am at an all time low
Thinking on the past when I thought things couldn't possibly get better
Because I never had such feelings like the ones we shared together

But now all faith is lost and hope is gone
We didn't achieve the lasting love we thought we'd won
To the moon is mighty far away
But it wasn't long enough to match the length you said you'd stay

-Kate Gill

One day. Without you.

Written Feb 29, 2012
One day, I'll wake.
A smile on my face.
One day, my brain.
These memories will erase.
Without you.
Without you.
One day, these tears.
They will surely fade.
One day, you'll see.
These scars that you have made.
But I'll move on..
Without you.
Without you.
One day, my heart.
The pieces will arrange.
One day, alone.
I won't feel so strange.
Without you..
Without you.
And I will make it by.
No. No more tears I'll cry.
I will move on..
Without you.
And I will find my strength.
Of you I will not think.
I'm moving on..
Without you.
One day, my eyes.
They are gonna shine.
One day, my love.
Will only be mine!
Because I'm gone..
Without you.
One day, you'll think.
Damn that girl was good.
One day, my hand.
Boy you'll wish you could!
But baby I..
I'll be long gone..
Without you.
Without you.
A free mind.
One day.
I'll be fine.
One day.
A good cry.
No more.
A good bye.
Right now!
Cuz boy I'm gone..
I'm so far gone..
Without you.

-Kate Gill

This is my heart, it was made for you

Written October 12, 2011
The beat in my heart sings a song for you, a song for you to know
A melody for you to know that I am yours
That produces a feeling that will never cease to grow
Can you hear it?
Hear it soft and sweet even through the miles and time between?
Can you feel it?
Strong and steady even through the hard times we’ve seen?
Sometimes it’s weak, but it always holds true
To beat for one alone, to sing just for you
It may skip a few beats and sing out of tune,
But it hopes to be enough
Because it loves you to the moon
No matter the hardships,
Know there could never be
Another to make it beat like this
To make me this happy
Because for you it was made
Given the reason to beat
The reason to sing, to live
You make it strong, you make it true
For this it will always sing for only you

- Kate Gill

Don't be so Judgemental

Written June 27, 2011
Don't crush the dreams of the now pre-teen
When we all lived the same way
Though now we know then it wasn't love
It was fun to pretend so and say
Without judgement, let it happen. Let her learn
For who are we to tell her that she does not know what love is?
Don't crush the dreams of the now high school freshman falling for the senior king
When we all lived the same way
Though now we know then it wasn't love
It was fun to pretend so and say..
Without judgement, let it happen. Let her learn
For who are we to tell her that she does not know what love is?
Don't crush the dreams of the now senior queen following the college boy
When we all lived the same way
Though now we know then it wasn't love
It was fun to pretend so and say..
Without judgement, let it happen. Let her learn
For who are we to tell her that she does not know what love is?
Don't crush the dreams of the now college girl spending all of her time with one boy
Though we'd like to say that it isn't love
It appears to be that it may..
Without judgement, let it happen. Let her learn
For who are we to tell her that she does not know what love is?
Don't crush the dreams of the now college grad marrying one special man
Though we'd like to say that it isn't love
It appears to be that it may..
Without judgement, let it happen. Let her learn
For who are we to tell her that she does not know what love is?
The college grad, now a grown woman
Still married to that one special man
Though we'd like to say that it wasn't love
It appears to be that way..
Without judgement, let it happen. Let her learn
For who are we to tell her that she did not know what love is?
That then grown woman, now an old lady
50 years spent with that one special man
Though we said that it wasn't love
It obviously was that way..
With all the judement in the world, it happened. But she learned.. through all the broken hearts she endured as a young girl were only preparing her to appreciate this one special man..
So, without judgement.. Let it happen. Let people learn.
For who are we to tell anyone that they themselves do not know what love is when we all lived the same way??
Without judgement, let it happen and let yourself learn.
For with all you've been and will go through..
You wouldn't want the world telling you what you feel with judgement
When they all lived the same way

-Kate Gill

"Love"

Tonight I was looking through photo albums in search of photos of my mom and I. You see, I'm making her an album as a gift. Well, in searching.. I found an album full of myself and THE ex (that is how we, I.. will label him in such postings I suppose.. hmm..). While flipping through the pages of old, happy memories.. a true feeling of sadness overwhelmed me. And it hit me. Like dropping the last Oreo cookie out of the package in the dirt after you've already licked it.... (take it in).... I was really in love. Attempting to grasp that concept now is easily the most difficult thing I've ever attempted thinking about. Really. Head over heels, to the moon and back, start a riot in my heart, unlike any song, poem, or movie. L-O-V-E. Sad. Pathetic story now. It drives me crazy to know that I allowed myself to become another one of those eye rolling statistics. To become "that girl". But, I was... in fact.. really, really..... happy. So much so that my finger had even been sized for the engagement ring. Yes. I of all people said it. engagement ring. Happy.. I was. And that, well I suppose I don't regret.. I'm 21 years old. I have always questioned commitment and love. Believing it has died off with earlier generations as I watch the world become even more lazy not only in work at jobs and self care, but also in personal relationships with others as well. People just don't fix things when they're broken anymore. They believe something new is always better and will bring them more happiness. Trust? Faithfulness? Honesty? Respect? Nah. Not important right? Wrong. Knowing that for once I REALLLLYYYY let someone break me down to my core and get inside sickens me. I should have known better, but I allowed myself to be completely naive and fall for this "love" in every way imaginable. Why? Because deep down we all want to feel it at some point. Believe that we could be the exception. Be good enough. That "oh you love me? unconditionally and forever, you say? That feels incredible. Woah.. what a strange emotion I've never felt before.. did I just cry? ... at THAT moment..? I love you too? *scared to death face*". Vulnerable. Well there, I've felt it. It's done and over with. He didn't really feel it as I did because he consistently broke his word and commitment, but I truly can say I was in love. A good scratch off the bucket list. Although now questioning why the hell I put it on there because in the end it has truly been the most painful thing I have ever experienced and I don't ever want to feel that way again. We won't go into the long, personal details, but dear me I question the existence of a conscience in some people. I have never been a fan of hurting people. I don't see how some people can go day to day carelessly doing so like it's nothing completely selfish. Makes me sick to my stomach. Literally. However, I got exactly what I wished for. That true love feeling. Now, been there done that. On to the next one. By "next one", I DO NOT mean significant other. Sky diving :) mmmm yes. That is the next event to be scratched off the infamous bucket list. I'll keep you posted with the blah blah blah known as my thoughts. -Kate Gill

Blogging... personally..

About a week ago, my friend (Kaylee Russel).. a very good friend.. was reading some of my most recent poems. If you're reading this, you can see by old posts that I am a writer. Maybe not the best, but still in fact.. at least to myself, a writer. In talking, she suggested I blog.. really. I used to post my poems, and I have a class blog. But.. to really blog... I have never done. So, tonight.. I am starting what is just the beginning of a possibility of... something? I suppose. We shall see. Warning: I am random. I am a rambler. At times. And by "at times", I mean: most of the time. -Kate Gill